My Mental Health Journey

It has been a few months since I’ve written because school and life have been tossing me around like a rag doll, but today felt like the perfect day to get back to it. This year has taught me a lot about my mental headspace and just how important mental health truly is. If you don’t know, today is Mental Health Awareness Day.

I’ve had my fair share of mental health struggles over my twenty years of life, and I don’t see that coming to an end anytime soon. I don’t mean that in a pessimistic way, but rather in a completely honest one. Mental health is a battle that everyone faces at some point, though some of us are naturally more inclined to struggle with it. I’m not proud of the fact that I’ve struggled mentally for most of my life, but I am proud of how far I’ve come and where I am now.

If you don’t want all the nitty gritty details, I’d recommend skipping this post, but I think it’s important to acknowledge other people’s experiences too. Where’s the fun in only caring about your own?

Let’s start from the root. I have ADHD, and honestly, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t function differently than those around me. My teachers used to say I didn’t work well with others and could never stop talking. People thought I was rude, talkative, and simply just too much. Before those opinions got to me and started affecting me in elementary school, I was talkative in practically every setting. It didn’t matter where I was, who I was talking to, or what we were talking about. I could’ve been sitting in front of a brick wall and still wouldn’t have stopped talking.

This never raised concerns because my grades were good, I was doing fine in extracurriculars, and I still had friends, though most of them either talked as much as I did or didn’t mind listening. When I look back at my childhood, it’s hard to understand how no one was worried about these traits. I wasn’t just talkative, I had no control over myself. And that lack of control brought something new.

Once I entered fifth grade, I was joined by crippling anxiety. There were a lot of factors fueling those feelings, and at that age, I didn’t know how to help myself. Anxiety is no joke and it’s not just a passing emotion like many people think. It isn’t always crippling, but it’s always there. It follows you like an invisible illness. You don’t always know the root of it, which is what makes it stick around without fail.

Anxiety can make you question every word, action, tone, and look, both the ones you give and the ones you receive. It’s exhausting, and it takes intentional work and mental rewiring to quiet it. For me, my anxiety was fueled mostly by embarrassment surrounding my ADHD traits. I was constantly worrying about what I was saying, how I looked, and how I sounded. Many people assume that it comes from a lack of confidence, but for me, it came from the inability to control myself in social situations. I never wanted to be too much.

ADHD can also cause a sensitivity to rejection, and when that’s paired with anxiety, it becomes socially crippling. This dynamic duo led me to isolate myself for years. I’d have one or two friends at a time, then convince myself they hated me, didn’t care about my life, or didn’t want to hear from me. I’d isolate myself so much that they thought I didn’t want to be friends with them, and since I felt unworthy of friendship, I’d let them leave.

For most of my life, I came off as a bad friend, not because I didn’t care, but because I was terrified of giving too much of myself to anyone. I never let anyone in because I was scared they’d leave me first and prove my anxiety right. I didn’t want to feel like I wasn’t enough for anyone.

As you can imagine, this all played a big part in my spiral downward into depression. I dealt with extremely negative thoughts and deep self-hatred for nearly a decade. Depression doesn’t care about those around you. It barges into your life and takes parts of you away without asking. It leaves you feeling like a shell of who you once were, with no idea how to become whole again. It’s exhausting just to open your eyes in the morning and move your feet. Every step feels like a mile, and every interaction feels like giving a speech in front of thousands. And even when you’re in bed, you’re not resting. You’re drowning, desperate for any way to make yourself feel better.

I would never wish those feelings on even my worst enemy, though they’ve probably already felt them. Everyone struggles. Everyone is fighting or has fought a battle you can’t understand. Life is intricate, and so are emotions.

Emotions are a lot like the ocean. They can be calm, unpredictable, cleansing, deep, strong, or suffocating. They’re meant to be felt, despite our inability to control them. Emotions keep us human and real, and it’s important to embrace that, especially in a world like this one.

Mental Health Awareness Day reminds me of the battles I and others have fought, and are still fighting. It’s important to check in on your loved ones, especially those who are always there for others. The people who smile the most aren’t always okay, and it’s best never to assume they are. Life isn’t easy, and it’s okay to take a break and make time for your mental health.

I have a poster in my room with this quote: “What a good day to be proud of all the progress you’ve made.” I think it’s a great reminder to stay appreciative of yourself and everything you’ve done to get to where you are now.

Be proud of yourself and the person you’ve become.

Thank you so much for reading. :)